My upstairs neighbor caught me walking out the front door of our apartment complex yesterday. Not that I mind that on a usual day. She’s an absolutely lovely lady, who is fun to talk to, and has a great sense of humor. Her name is Sherry. They call her husband Buddy. She had a baby once. Her son was still born at 41 weeks gestation, just 3 days before her scheduled induction. Her son would have been just younger than Haley. She showed me a picture of him once. It hangs on her livingroom wall. He was a perfect baby, absolutely perfect, but a cord accident ended his life prematurely. Her and her husband have been trying to get pregnant since then, with no success. I come to tears everytime I think of it. More than that, I feel guilty being pregnant in front of her.
While she doesn’t make me feel guilty, as a matter of fact she does just the opposite. She is openly excited for Paul and I. She asked to see my belly so I obliged and she seemed giddy with excitement. I still couldn’t help feeling dirty, like I was the only little kid at the playground who had candy showing it off to everyone, but not willing to share. I felt rude, but I mostly felt guilty.
Why I am so blessed when I know plenty of other women who are probably more deserving than myself of this gift? There are people with more money, better things, more patience and not even one child. How did I get so lucky to be blessed with one already and one on the way?
To be completely straight on the subject. Am I happy to be pregnant? Yes, in every way! I am so thankful that I can’t express it in words. However, I am sad for those that I know who have lost babies, lost pregnancies, and for those who are struggling everyday to become pregnant. It is the longest, lonliest road a woman will ever walk:
The walk of the Barren Brides.
3 Comments
April 17, 2008 at 10:20 pm
Oh Mindy reading this just put me into tears. I know how you feel I have felt like that before around people – but I think you know too why this definitely put me in tears. Cord accident. It makes me almost feel guilty myself you know? I just thank God that he was watching over my little guy and ugh I just don’t even want to think about it…..
April 18, 2008 at 4:12 am
Mindy,
It is hard to understand sometimes why God blesses some people with children and other people have to work so hard to get pregnant, lose their baby, or never ever be able to have children of their own. I have come to the conclusion that there is no way I will ever understand why God works the way he does. I will never understand why God allows 12 year olds to become pregnant, but leaves a loving married couple barren. Just remember that God has blessed you with that child, and although I can’t tell you to never feel guilty, you are going to sometimes. You have a deep compassion for us who are trying to conceive, or those who have lost their children. You are able to minister and share in their grief, joy, and triumphs. It makes you a blessing Mindy. Keep up your chin!
Love ya,
Jamilah
April 18, 2008 at 10:01 am
Brooke- I can imagine how this hit you when you read it. Just remember your little guy made it through!! It’s scary to think of the “what if’s” though. Haley had her cord wrapped twice when she was born so I too have the same tears when I think back about it and how easily I could have lost her.
Jamilah- Thank you. I have never been called a blessing before! I try to stay connected to the infertile world because I’ve made alot of awesome friends on my journey and I just don’t want to forget everything that it sometimes takes to achieve pregnancy. I don’t want to forget how bad infertility hurts. I really think there isn’t much worse than someone who went through infertility and once they have their baby it seems that they just simply forget how everyone else feels….
Overall, that probably makes little to no sense….but I tried to explain. LOL