Of Birth and Fear of Birth {Part One}

Jump to Comments

It is taking all of my willpower to not write about the custody hearing that is tomorrow.  I think it’s probably best to keep it quiet until I know what the outcome is.  Afterall, this is a public blog.  Can’t have my trade secrets getting out! LOL  So, I’m going to blog just to keep my mind off of other things and it will be completely unrelated to that particular part of my life!

So, while I was browsing blogs this morning, I noticed Kriss on the Chubby Mummy blog posted about some fear and apprehension surrounding childbirth.  Can’t say I blame her for worrying about it, but I figured I’d write a little blog about my own experience and try to offer some advice for soon-to-be moms out there, and hopefully some of the people who read this can add their own stories in the comments too!!

When pregnant with Haley, I can clearly remember the day that I realized, “Oh. My. God.  This kid has to get out of me somehow, and no matter the way she comes out it isn’t going to be pleasant!”

So began my obsession with labor and birth that lasted right up to the actual moment she was born.  At 19, I was horrified of what labor might actually feel like.  How badly would it hurt?  Would I be able to take the pain?  How soon would they give me drugs because I definitely wanted that epidural ready–ya know, 2 weeks before labor! LOL  Would I tear?  Need stitches?  Will they do an episiotomy?  It was overwhelming to say the least!  I couldn’t think about anything else during that time.  I can understand the plight of the first time mom in this respect because the unknown is a scary thing!!

I was induced with Haley (long story) at 41.5 weeks.  I did cervadil and then pitocin.  Surprisingly, I took these interventions in stride.  These weren’t the things that worried me at that point!!  Labor started at 9pm on a Thursday night.  I slept through most of the early labor.  I didn’t feel any pain and only slighly uncomfortable (and I thought it was the hospital bed making me uncomfy!).  I got all the way to 4cm before I felt a painful contraction.  Okay, painful is really not the right word.  I hit 4 and then I felt tremendous pressure in the area where you’d normally feel period cramps.  They weren’t long and felt alot like round ligament pain.  They made you kinda catch your breath a bit.  I freaked the fuck out.  Seriously.  I knew that these were merely the early contractions and I had it in my head that the contractions would only get worse as labor progressed.  At this point, I was even more terrified than I had started out.  I only got a few of these contractions and I started hollering for an epidural.  Yes, really.  I was being that much of a wimp, but more out of fear of what was to come rather than what was happening in the moment.

In that moment, if I had calmed down, the contractions weren’t that bad.  Manageable even.  But I insisted on the epidural.  So, I got it, but instead of a traditional epidural with a drip line attached, I got a tube that came out of my spine and was taped to my shoulder in which they injected the drugs.  They used morphine in that line by the way and that’s a no-no.  (lots of fuckup during my labor and delivery on the doc’s part, but I’m just kinda gonna skip those since they don’t pertain.)  Either way…I ended up fantastically stoned on morphine for about 1.5 to 2 hours.  I didn’t feel a thing.  I also didn’t progress much in this time.  My blood pressure went through the roof too.  So, guess what?  They wouldn’t let me have any more drugs!!  Yup, we were going to do this all natural baby!  Oh, of course, this led to another mental meltdown for me because I’m thinking “Oh.  Fucking.  Shit.  Please be messing with me.  Let me wake up from this nightmare!”

Once the meds wore off though, I was okay.  The pains came on slowly at first as the meds were working their way out of my system.  I was able to get through them okay by shifting my position and stretching my muscles.  Surprisingly, this didn’t change!  I thought I’d be screaming in pain in no time, but it just never came…  I was at a 5 or 6 at this point, and I was really proud of myself for being so in control even though my mind felt so out of control.  My labor seemed to stall at this point, and I later found out that my doctor had my pitocin lowered to better accomodate HIS SCHEDULE.  Idiot.  Well, I was feeling so optimistic at this point that I could handle this that I talked a nurse into turning it back up!

Labor started back up at a pretty good pace.  I was able to keep up with it though.  They wouldn’t let me out of bed because of the BP and the tube in my back and then Haley’s heart rate was fluctuating too much so I had to be constantly monitored.  So, that part of things sucked.  But I made due.  I was switching positions with nearly every contraction.  I was on my hands and knees, then on my side, then on my back.  I got into whatever position felt the best at that moment and I wasn’t letting someone tell me I had to lay there flat on my back!  It helped-alot.  I listened to my body and we were getting through this okay!

By this point I was progressing at a pretty good pace.  I was up to a 7 or so.  I kept waiting for transition to hit me like they said I would in the classes I took.  I never felt that I was in transition.  I noticed that things got more hectic, and it was a little harder to concentrate during contractions, but that was it.  At one point, I do remember just being so exhausted that I was telling the nurse that I couldn’t do it anymore.  I needed to sleep.  I needed to eat.  I had been in the hospital laboring at this point for over 24 hours with nothing but ice chips!!  She looked at me like I had 2 heads!  She thought I wanted drugs and kept telling me “well, I can’t give you anything for the pain” and I kept trying to tell her I don’t need drugs I need some god damned FOOD!  Bah…nobody listened to me the whole time I was there!

So, I started to get too tired to even move around in the bed. It’s not easy changing positions like that when you’re THAT pregnant!  However, I think being that tired helped in some way.  It forced me to relax.  I started falling asleep and then I’d get a hard contraction and it would wake me up.  I had to poop.  Of course, they went ballistic and insisted that I needed to be checked.  What did they find?  I was fully dilated!  I wasn’t ready to push though.  I kept telling them that I wasn’t ready to push yet.  I wanted to go poop first then I’d come back and push her out!! LMFAO

The assholes wouldn’t let me get up to poop.  I was so aggravated.  Not to mention I had a very unhealthy fear of pooping on the table!!  So, my anxiety level went through the roof!  I wasn’t pushing as well or as hard as I could have because the poop WAS RIGHT THERE.  I could feel it.  So, I pushed alot longer than I probably should have had to if I had been using all my strength.

The funny thing about pushing a baby is out is that it doesn’t hurt.  It’s not like you think it’s going to be.  It’s a relief to push, to do something.  Pushing during the contraction actually takes the pain of it away.  It’s amazing!!  I was so pain-free during this part of things that I was falling asleep on the table.  It’s true.  They were smacking me to wake me up.  Honestly, I think at that point I could have slept through a couple contractions without waking.  It probably would have helped even since I was so exhausted, but Haley’s HB was dropping VERY low and they wanted her out as soon as possible.  So, I pushed her out!

When her head finally got all the way out I felt like maybe I had torn upwards (picture yourself laying down).  It was a burning sensation and it wasn’t fun.  They were telling me to stop pushing so they could suction her mouth and stuff, but my body was not stopping.  It kept pushing even though I was willing it to stop!  And out she came and went to my belly.  She was so beautiful.  I only had a slight burning sensation, that was made a little worse by the doc messing with the umbilical cord.  Even that wasn’t too bad though.  Then, they took her to clean her up and I delivered the placenta which has the feeling of hot jell-o oozing out of your nether regions.  There was no pain with any of this.

A nurse came and washed up down there.  Put about 4 pads on me and gave me some oh-so-stylish mesh underwear.  I immediately got up off the table and went straight to the bathroom to take my long awaited poop. LOL  Yes, I held it, even during child birth!

So, I’ll end this there and call it part one since this post is just getting unreasonably long.

1 Comment

Filed under I'm PREGNANT